A statement fromNigel:
“So, I think people have misunderstood my immigration policy. Even my pledge to achieve net zero immigration has been seen as anti-foreigner. Oh! Far from it.
“I believe the best way to achieve this goal is to get rid of all those university-educated types that hate Britain but love backpacking abroad. Get them out, keep them out. Let them backpack forever. Half a billion pounds (how much Rwanda cost us) should keep them stocked in bathing towels and hash and interrail tickets to keep them out of our way for decades to come.
“No more wokerarty bothering the god-fearing members of the British public. For students are the real enemy here. Thus, with millions gone, millions can come in. They love Britain, which we test by seeing if they’ll risk death in the English Channel to get here. The maths works, folks!
“In fact, haha, I’ve just thought that’s the way any student on a gap ‘year’ will have to do that to get back in. They’ll be hopeless at it and I’m pretty sure we’ll not be seeing most of them back.
Climate Change
“Now people argue with me all the time that there are bigger priorities than immigration at this election. I say no. A big fat no! And I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you the truth no one else is willing to whisper. I’ll shout it!
“Climate change will cause huge displacement of people across the globe, even here in calm old Britain. Millions will be on the move, looking for water, running from water, running from fires, hoping to grab a bite to eat after crops fail, again.
“So, simply put, if you want to slow down immigration, mass movement of people, then you need to stop climate change. You need to go to net zero there too. We at Reform back hardline climate policies as much as the Greens do. A vote for us is a vote for the electric chair. No, sorry, I meant electric car. Dear, what a slip!
NHS
“Yes, yes, I know, waiting times etc. etc. But I ask you a simple question. Who holds up the ailing NHS and stops it from collapsing?
“That’s right! Immigrants. Where would we be without them? Dying in a French-owned hospital car park and paying a fortune for the pleasure, that’s what.
Security
“You have seen it, you have felt it, you have heard the generals desperate for more soldiers. Well, that’s an easy one to solve, too. Immigrants!
“It works for Australia. And I love Australia. When asked if the native people they conquered and oppressed for the last couple of hundred years deserved more say, more rights, they said, “No damn it! This is our Brexit moment. They lost their country, and we won it, live with it.” Fantastic response to another woke plot to overturn common sense. Australia isn’t about to go facing reality any time soon, either. They’ve learnt a thing or two from me and the British public, I can tell you!
“So Australia lets immigrants in to join their army for a bit and then gives them citizenship. It’s what needs to happen here, too.
Education
“Don’t know a thing about education. I left school at 16, and I’m proud of it. Education is for losers, and I’ve already told you what we’re doing with them!
“This is certainly an irrelevance to this coming election.
Social Care
“See NHS.
Cost of LivingCrisis
“Well, honestly, I think people just need to get better jobs.
Housing
“Again I am not sure what the issue is here? Students can’t live on their own unless they’re in foreigner country. They need their Mums to comb their long, dirty hair.
“You don’t see immigrants moving into big mansions in the countryside do you? No. They like to take up as little room as possible, and I am even thinking of bringing in a scheme similar to the Ukrainian refugee project.
“Any family with a wayward son or daughter, ‘travelling the world’ (i.e. constantly high on one beach in Thailand.) who want to fill that gap can look after an immigrant.
“This has two advantages. a) they will not take up any more space than was already allocated. b) they can learn English and English stuff from the housewives and breadwinners. I have been reliably told that NO ONE outside of Britain speaks a word of English, so it’s important that this policy is put in place on day one of my being in charge.
Tax &Welfare
“It is vital to our economy that we have a constant stream of new arrivals who will cost the taxpayer next to nothing because they are young, fit and often don’t even have children. We will tax them, of course, not give them the vote, obviously, and make a wonderful profit from it all.
“Any questions or concerns? I really don’t care. It’s important you vote for whatever I say, and to hell with the consequences. Some people think too much in this country. I blame education…”
For more of Nigel the Stockbroker, try this…
